STARTING OEVR

wew!!! have you ever been tired? well i have been.Tired of the norm and the "what is". i have decided to do something about it. its not an easy thing to do when you do not know the first move to make.
 I have been stuck in this state for a number of years and it is what i have grown use to,its all i know.the constant struggle in my mind about staying or leaving,moving out or staying in. i can live with the verbal abuse but the physical abuse are the ones hardest to cope with. hiding all the scares, bruises and secret tears.

When did it got here? that is a question i often ask myself while i am trying to wipe the blood from  my eyes that has been busted up my hands that i thought love and cared for me. hands that once were tender in making love or helpful in chores.but no answer came.

 I have allowed this to happen but how do i escape when i do jot know  who to go to. blaming myself was all i can do after all he did love me. he told me so after every fight, after every busted lip after every angry word. i was loved by him and no one else. he said i was not perfect but he wanted to make sure he made me perfect for him. he was the only person who showed concern for me and how could i leave all that behind.

Maybe, just maybe if i choose my words more carefully, maybe if i made dinner just the way he liked it, maybe if the house was neat.or better yet maybe if i didn't have any friends or have close association with my family ,they couldn't  tell me that he was wrong for me.  what about children? i could give him a few, certainly he would see how much i loved him.


I felt the blows of his angry arm, but i did it again . i loved him and i forgave him the instant it happened, it was my fault.if only the baby didn't cry so much. if only he would just go back to sleep. certainly a baby can detect that his dad is tired after a long day hanging out with his friends. he needed his rest to get up at noon tomorrow and do it all again. hush!!!  baby, your dad need to sleep he need to get his strength.

I could taste the familiar saltiness of the blood in my mouth. i knew that i was  close to tears but i couldn't let it out.i had ask them to stay, just until i was alone,until the children were off to school. they were every present, my tears but even today they did not come. i reached for them with every aching beat of my head...they too have abandoned me.but tomorrow is another day. i will have a chance to start over.